Johnny Depp (via enemaroberts)
Diana Vreeland (via sarabethster)
Since facebook is an incredibly unsafe place for me to spill my thoughts, I hope you enjoy reading my sadistic monologue. And if not, at least I know this is out here somewhere instead of eating away at the back of my mind, slowly drowning me in self doubt.
Before I had both of my kids, I can admit, now, that I wasn’t the greatest person. While I never went out of my way to be a terrible person, I also never went out of my way to even be a decent human being. I had no kindness or sympathy for others. In fact, I pretty much just worried about myself, and if I did anything it was to be justified by “what’s in it for me” not the way I wanted to live. And even before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I wanted change. I didn’t want to be the girl I was becoming, ever so quickly. While I was pregnant with my daughter I made so many life altering decisions, whether or not I should keep her (adoption) whether or not I should be with her father (total asshole) and it just keeps going. I honestly never knew who I was until I met her face for the first time. In my hospital room; the night she was born, I held her in my arms and promised her my life. I promised her, quietly, that I will always do EVERYTHING for her, no matter how terribly it hurts me. Because it’s not about me anymore and it won’t be ever again. That little girl will be 2 in just a short month. And then her brother came along, same father, and I KNEW that god had given me exactly what I wanted and needed. These babies are mine, and that’s that.
Now their father…their father is a hard person to explain. While I’ll never justify any of his poor decision making skills, I do feel sorry for him. sorry that while I was pregnant with my daughter he was off with another girl, pretending we didn’t exist. Sorry that while I was pregnant with my son, he told me to get an abortion and ran off with a different girl, who he obviously didn’t want to ruin things with. Sorry that he can’t see what’s right in front of him, sorry that he can’t take 30 minutes to drive and come see his own flesh and blood. I’m sorry that I’ve tried so long and so hard to get him to be a father when that’s clearly not in his list of things to do with life. I’m sorry that my kids will never know the feeling of having a game of catch with dad, or playing basketball, anything along those lines. But I would rather do this alone for the rest of my life if it meant they are loved to the fullest extent and have everything they need. I’m sorry that I have to walk away. I’m sorry that one day my kids may blame me for not knowing their father, but I’ll know that I have protected them from a vile, selfish being who’s greatest accomplishment was giving them life and that’s it. I’m sorry that I feel like this is all my fault when I know it’s not. My life belongs to these two precious angels in human form. Always and forever.
my father told me once to never date anyone who talks smoothly around you from the start because if someone likes you they should be a little nervous and honestly i think that’s some of the best advice anyone has ever given me